Subscribe

As a couples counsellor, I’ve had the privilege of witnessing countless moments of insight and growth between partners. Every so often, a particular conversation strikes me deeply, reshaping how I view relationships. Recently, a couple—let’s call them Sarah and James—shared a perspective that left me feeling inspired.

Sarah began by emphasizing something I’d heard before but always find impactful: “Kids need to see conflict resolution,” she said. Her point was clear. Shielding children from every disagreement robs them of valuable lessons about communication, compromise, and repair. But just as I was nodding in agreement, James chimed in with a perspective I hadn’t considered in such depth before. “That’s true,” he said, “but it needs to be balanced with them seeing affection. They need to see us enjoying each other, too.”

I paused, letting his words sink in. Conflict resolution teaches resilience, yes, but seeing affection—those small, daily gestures of love—shows what makes a relationship worth the effort. It’s the “why” behind the work. James’s insight felt so profound. He wasn’t just talking about parenting; he was describing something fundamental to relationships themselves.

Couples, like families, thrive on balance. Sarah and James’s discussion reminded me of a concept popularized in James Clear’s *Atomic Habits*: the idea of making “deposits” into an emotional bank account. These deposits are the small, consistent gestures of care and affection that build trust and goodwill over time—a warm hug before leaving for work, a kind word during a stressful moment, or simply saying “I’m so glad you’re in my life.” These gestures create a reservoir of connection that couples can draw upon when things inevitably get tough.

When conflict arises—and it always will in any long-term relationship—these emotional deposits make it easier to navigate the “old stuck dance,” as I like to call it. The dance of misunderstanding, hurt, and repair that every couple knows too well. Without regular deposits, even minor conflicts can feel like overdraft fees in an already depleted account. But with a solid balance, couples can afford the occasional withdrawal, knowing there’s still plenty of goodwill left to sustain them.

Sarah and James didn’t stop there. They took this principle of balance and applied it to their parenting. “Kids need that same emotional bank account,” James said. “They need to see us showing affection, laughing together, and enjoying each other. Otherwise, all they’ll remember is the conflict—even if we resolve it.”

As a counsellor, I was deeply impressed by their wisdom. They weren’t just thinking about their relationship in the moment; they were thinking about the legacy of love they’d leave for their children. They recognized that their actions were shaping their kids’ blueprint for future relationships. Showing their children both conflict resolution and affection creates a balanced model of what healthy, sustainable love looks like.

For anyone reading this, I encourage you to reflect on your own emotional bank account. Are you making regular deposits? Are you balancing moments of affection with the inevitable conflicts that arise? It’s in the steady practice of both love and repair that relationships grow stronger. With intention and care, the bonds we nurture today can shape a brighter, more loving future for everyone involved.

Communication is the cornerstone of any successful relationship, but giving and receiving feedback can be one of the hardest parts of couple dynamics. Whether it’s a small irritation or a deeply rooted issue, feedback has the power to either strengthen the bond or create distance. The challenge lies not just in what is said, but in how it’s delivered and received.

On the sending end, partners take a range of approaches when trying to express their concerns. Some choose to say nothing at all, avoiding potential conflict but allowing resentment to build beneath the surface. It’s like the Christina Aguilera song, “Say Something,” where silence becomes its own painful statement. Others are more assertive, aiming to communicate their needs clearly but risking coming across as harsh or overly critical. Then, there are those who point fingers and place blame, often out of frustration, inadvertently making the other person feel attacked rather than supported.

On the receiving end, the spectrum of reactions is just as varied. Some people take offense no matter how gently feedback is presented, hearing even the mildest suggestion as a personal attack. Others refuse to take any responsibility, dismissing concerns or shifting the blame entirely. Then there are those who take everything to heart, internalizing the criticism and feeling as though their worth is being questioned.

These mismatched approaches create a kind of feedback loop that can spiral into misunderstanding and disconnection. For instance, imagine a partner saying, “It seems like I’m always the one cleaning up after dinner.” If delivered with frustration, it might sound like blame, prompting a defensive response: “That’s not true! You just don’t notice what I do!” Alternatively, if the listener tends to take everything personally, they might hear this as, “You think I’m a bad partner,” even if that’s not what was meant. Either way, the original concern gets lost in the emotional fallout.

So how can couples navigate this potential minefield? It starts with intention. When giving feedback, focus on what you hope to achieve—connection and resolution—not on venting frustration or proving a point. Share how you feel by speaking about yourself rather than accusing your partner. For example, “I feel overwhelmed when the chores pile up” invites collaboration, whereas “You never help out” invites defensiveness.

On the receiving end, it’s essential to remember that feedback is not an attack—it’s an opportunity to understand your partner better. Resist the urge to react immediately. Take a moment to listen and ask yourself, “What are they really trying to tell me? How can I use this to strengthen our relationship?” If the delivery stings, focus on the message rather than the tone. This doesn’t mean you have to accept everything as true, but approaching it with curiosity rather than defensiveness can help to transform conflict into connection.

Consider this example: A partner says, “It seems like you’re always on your phone when we’re spending time together.” On the surface, this might sound like a complaint, but underneath, it’s a request for more attention and connection. Responding with, “I hear you—let’s set aside some phone-free time each evening,” can diffuse tension and show you care about their desire. On the flip side, dismissing it with, “Well, you’re on your phone too,” misses the opportunity to address the underlying need.

The hardest part of feedback is often not the words themselves but the emotions wrapped around them. It takes vulnerability to give feedback in a way that invites understanding, and it takes courage to receive it without letting ego get in the way. But when both partners approach the process with the shared goal of strengthening their bond, feedback becomes less of a battlefield and more of a bridge.

At its core, successful feedback in relationships is about mutual respect and the willingness to grow together. It’s about seeing challenges not as threats, but as opportunities to deepen your connection. Whether you’re the one giving feedback or receiving it, the ultimate goal is the same: to create a relationship where both partners feel heard, valued, and loved.

While walking my dog Charlie—a lively Jack Russell I fondly call my Jack Rascal—I had an encounter that got me thinking about relationships. We were strolling along peacefully on a trail until Charlie let out a sharp bark at another dog passing by. The other dog, not one to back down, responded with a frenzy of barking and snarling. The other dog’s owner, struggling to calm her out-of-control pet, looked at her dog and said, “I know, they barked first.” I couldn’t help but laugh at the absurdity of blaming my dog for her dog’s behavior. But then it hit me: how often do we do the same thing in relationships?

In couples, it’s easy to fall into the trap of “You started it.” One person makes a comment, and the other reacts defensively, sparking a cycle of blame and justification. “If you hadn’t complained, I wouldn’t have gotten upset.” “If you hadn’t gotten so defensive, it wouldn’t have escalated.” Around and around it goes, each person certain they’re right and the other is at fault. This dynamic reminds me of what couples therapist Sue Johnson calls the "demon dialogues”: recurring patterns of conflict that keep couples stuck and disconnected.

One of these demon dialogues is the **Protest Polka**, where one partner criticizes or demands while the other withdraws or avoids. Another is **Find the Bad Guy**, where both partners trade blame, each positioning themselves as the wronged party. Then there’s **Freeze and Flee**, where both partners emotionally check out, giving up on connection altogether. These patterns aren’t about who’s right or wrong; they’re about the ego—the ever-present, self-serving part of us that prioritizes being right, winning, or protecting ourselves over connecting with our partner.

The ego is the real culprit in arguments. It’s always in fear for itself, whispering, “What about me?” It pushes us to defend our own interests, seek validation, and avoid vulnerability. The ego wants to win, even if that means the relationship loses. And yet, it’s this very dynamic that offers us an opportunity for growth. The purpose of these struggles isn’t to determine who’s to blame; it’s to recognize the ego’s tricky tactics and decide we’re tired of its games.

The truth is, it doesn’t matter who started the argument. What matters is choosing connection over the ego’s demands. This doesn’t mean ignoring our feelings or pretending everything is fine. It means making a conscious decision to prioritize unity with our partner over being right or getting the last word. When we make the relationship more important than the dictates of the ego, we create space for genuine connection, empathy, and understanding.

For example, imagine a common argument about chores. One partner snaps, “You never help out around the house!” The other fires back, “That’s not true, and you don’t appreciate what I do!” Instead of letting the ego take over with defensiveness and blame, what if both partners paused and said, “This isn’t about who’s right. How can we make this better together?” By shifting the focus to collaboration rather than competition, they’re taking a stand against the ego’s fear and self-centeredness.

Choosing connection is no small feat. The ego is persistent, and its need to protect itself runs deep. But these moments of friction offer a chance to grow, both individually and as a couple. They challenge us to rise above our fear, our pride, and our desire to win, and instead ask, “What kind of relationship do we want to build?”

As I walked Charlie home, still chuckling at the dog owner’s attempt to justify her pup’s outburst, I couldn’t help but draw one final parallel. In relationships, much like with dogs, it’s not about who barked first. What matters is how we respond. Do we let the barking escalate into a full-blown fight, or do we take a step back, leash our ego, and focus on calming the storm? After all, couples and dogs have one important thing in common: a little patience, a lot of love, and the occasional belly rub can go a long way.

In every relationship, there are moments when one partner feels distant or disconnected. Perhaps you’ve found yourself thinking, “That’s their issue, not mine,” when your partner brings up a concern or frustration. It’s easy to let this kind of thinking take root, especially when life feels overwhelming or emotions run high. But distance, whether physical or emotional, can create walls between partners. If you want to take a transformative approach, there are ways to break down those walls and rebuild the connection, even when you feel resistant or disengaged.
 

The first step is to recognize that your relationship is a shared experience. Whatever challenge your partner is facing—whether it’s stress, frustration, or feeling unheard—is not just their issue. It’s something that affects the dynamic between you. In a healthy relationship, obstacles are not yours or mine; they’re ours. By seeing problems as opportunities to grow together rather than as reasons to shut down, you can begin to shift your mindset from separation to unity.
 

When you feel distant, it’s tempting to withdraw further or defend yourself with thoughts like, “Why should this matter to me?” or “I’m not responsible for their feelings.” But in a truly connected relationship, it’s not about who is right or wrong. It’s about prioritizing the bond you share. Instead of staying behind the wall of detachment, try asking yourself, “What can I do to contribute to our connection right now?” This shift in perspective—from blame or indifference to curiosity and care—can make all the difference.
 

Taking an active role in rebuilding connection doesn’t mean taking all the blame or fixing everything for your partner. It means showing up with openness and a willingness to engage. For example, if your partner shares that they feel unsupported, instead of shutting down or dismissing it as their problem, you could respond with, “I didn’t realize you felt that way. Can we talk more about what’s been going on?” This response invites dialogue and shows that you value their feelings, even if you don’t fully understand them yet.
 

It’s also important to reflect on your own reactions. If you feel defensive or distant, ask yourself why. Are you avoiding something difficult within yourself? Is there a fear or insecurity driving your need to pull away? These moments of self-reflection can be uncomfortable, but they often lead to profound growth. By understanding your own role in the dynamic, you can take meaningful steps toward healing and connection.
 

Acts of care and kindness, even small ones, can also help break down emotional walls. Maybe it’s as simple as checking in with your partner during the day, leaving a thoughtful note, or offering to do something that makes their day a little easier. These gestures may seem minor, but they signal that you’re invested in the relationship and willing to take steps toward re-establishing closeness.
 

Sometimes, the disconnection isn’t just about what’s happening between you but about how you view the relationship as a whole. A transformative approach asks you to trust in the potential of your bond, even when it feels strained. This trust in the relationship means rising above immediate frustrations or ego-driven reactions to focus on the bigger picture: building a connection that’s resilient, supportive, and deeply fulfilling.
 

If you find it hard to take that first step toward engagement, remember that your efforts don’t need to be perfect. What matters is the intention behind them. Each small action, whether it’s a kind word, a moment of listening, or simply showing patience, contributes to the foundation of your connection. Over time, these efforts accumulate, strengthening the bond between you and your partner.
 

Every relationship will encounter moments of distance, but they don’t have to define the partnership. By approaching disconnection with curiosity, care, and a willingness to engage, you can transform challenges into opportunities for deeper intimacy. Instead of letting walls build higher, choose to dismantle them—one thoughtful action, one meaningful conversation at a time. In doing so, you create a relationship where both you and your partner can truly thrive together.

Every couple faces challenges. Whether it’s the small annoyances of daily life or the deeper conflicts that test the relationship’s foundation, these moments often feel like roadblocks. But what if these very challenges were opportunities? Opportunities not just to resolve an issue but to create something far greater—a connection so deep and fulfilling that it transforms your relationship.

The secret to building such a connection lies in the idea of going “above reason” and the power of mutual bestowal. These concepts might sound lofty, but they are profoundly practical when it comes to relationships. At their core, they’re about rising above ego-driven reactions and prioritizing the bond you share as a couple.

Imagine your partner points out something about your behavior that bothers them. Maybe they say, “You never listen when I’m talking,” or “I feel like I’m always the one who has to plan everything.” It’s natural to feel defensive. You might think, “That’s not true,” or, “But I’ve been so busy lately.” The ego wants to protect itself, to explain, to justify, and sometimes even to attack back. But what if, instead, you could pause and see this moment as a gift—an opportunity to grow closer?

Going above reason means choosing to prioritize the connection with your partner over the immediate desire to defend yourself. It’s about believing in the relationship’s potential for unity and love, even when your initial reaction might be to feel hurt or misunderstood. Instead of taking the feedback personally or letting it create distance, you can ask yourself, “How can I use this to strengthen our bond?”

For example, if your partner feels unheard, you could respond with openness: “I didn’t realize I was doing that. Can you tell me more about how it feels when I’m distracted?” This isn’t about admitting fault or taking blame; it’s about creating space for connection and showing your partner that their feelings matter. When you rise above the need to protect your ego, you pave the way for deeper understanding and closeness.

Another essential aspect of building connection is mutual bestowal—the idea that love flourishes when both partners focus on giving rather than taking. This doesn’t mean losing yourself or ignoring your own needs; it’s about aligning your actions and intentions with the shared goal of strengthening the relationship. For instance, if you know your partner values small acts of kindness, you might leave a note of encouragement on a particularly stressful day or take on a chore they dislike without being asked. These gestures may seem small, but they accumulate into a powerful sense of mutual care and respect.

Now, what about situations where feedback feels more critical or direct? Let’s say your partner explicitly names a behavior they find challenging, like interrupting them during conversations. It’s easy to feel singled out or judged, but remember: the feedback is about the behavior, not your worth as a person. Instead of reacting defensively, try viewing the moment as a mirror. Ask yourself, “Is there truth in this?” and “How can I adjust to bring us closer together?”

It’s equally important for the partner giving feedback to come from a place of love and intention to connect, not blame. Instead of saying, “You’re always interrupting me,” try, “When I’m interrupted, I tell myself my voice isn’t valued. Can we work on giving each other more space to share?” This way, the focus stays on the relationship’s shared goal rather than placing blame on one person.

One powerful way to navigate these moments is to remember that both partners are responsible for the relationship’s health. Any issue that arises isn’t just “your problem” or “my problem”—it’s our opportunity to grow together. When one partner struggles with a trait or behavior, the other can offer support through patience, empathy, and intention. In this way, challenges become a shared effort to strengthen the bond, rather than a source of division.

It’s natural to wonder: if criticism or challenges aren’t taken personally, what’s the point of sharing them? The answer lies in the intention behind the sharing. When expressed with care and love, feedback becomes a tool for growth, not a weapon for hurt. It allows partners to identify what might be blocking their connection and work together to overcome it. Even if the feedback reflects the giver’s own inner struggles, sharing it openly invites mutual understanding and creates space for both partners to evolve.

Ultimately, the goal is not perfection but unity. Going above reason teaches us to trust in the relationship’s potential to reveal something greater. Mutual bestowal reminds us that true love is built on generosity: giving and receiving in harmony. Together, these principles guide couples toward a bond that not only withstands challenges but is strengthened by them. Every moment of friction is an opportunity—an invitation to rise above ego and deepen the connection with the one you love.