New Life, Growth, Strength and Peace

Many of us do not have the type of relationship that acts as a safe haven and secure base for both partners.  

We may not have had a secure bond with our parents or may have faced other emotionally traumatic experiences in isolation while growing up.  We may have endured attachment-related injuries as adults such as an affair.  

These kinds of experiences make it difficult for us to trust others. We may react in ways that are disproportionate to the situation at hand. We may be in a constant state of fight (complain and demand), flight (shut down and withdraw) or freeze (numb out) as the survival brain takes over. 

The echos of trauma can impact our relationship and disconnection in our relationship can trigger the echos of trauma.  We can end up with strong feelings of anger, defensiveness, fear, shame and isolation. 

EFT can take longer when one or both partners have a history of trauma, nevertheless, EFT is well-equipped to work with the echos of trauma in couple relationships since it is focused on emotion. When we face the overwhelming feelings together, they hurt less. We can face any challenge and problem-solve more easily when we feel as though we are on the same page and have each other's backs. 

EFT helps us to create or shape love. As your EFT couples therapist, I will help you to build awareness, connection and a greater sense of wholeness.

We are building our life together in the connections we make between us here and now.

While we are creating, I will remember that I impact you whether I intend to or not.

I will do my best to contribute to the warmth between us whether by thought, word, deed or touch.

I will strive to be a positive example by showing you a caring, considerate attitude.

I will do my best to refrain from harming the connection between us whether by thought, word, deed or touch.

I will accept and appreciate you just as you are to the best of my ability, "mistakes" included.

I will aim to give to you and to receive from you for the sake of the loving connection between us.

I will exert to make space for you in my mind and heart so you feel known and felt.

I will make conscious efforts to treat you with equal value and importance.

I will even put you ahead of myself when I am able to do so with a joyful heart.

I will endeavour to embrace patience and understanding when things feel uncertain between us.

I will do my utmost to treasure our unity above our conflicts.

~ Written by Amanda Green (2021)

Dr. Sue Johnson is the primary developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples which has demonstrated its effectiveness in almost 50 years of peer-reviewed clinical research. She wrote Hold Me Tight and many other books. 

She says, "Love is no longer a mystery. Emotional attunement and responsiveness are the keys to secure bonding. Love can last long term if we learn how to connect emotionally. Every challenge you face together makes the bond of trust and love between you stronger."

EFT is based on John Bowlby's attachment theory which suggests that we all have an innate need to feel close to others. It's normal to want to feel good enough, appreciated, and like a priority to our partners. We have such intense feelings when these needs aren't met because our partners are so very important and special to us! 

In fact, the research demonstrates how we need a secure emotional connection with our partners in the same way that we need oxygen; we depend on it for survival! Just as a baby depends on its parents, adults need someone to turn to and rely on emotionally throughout the entire life span (from the cradle to the grave). Our brains are literally wired for human connection.

Our mental and physical health, including immune function, are stronger when we have this type of emotionally accessible, responsive, and engaged connection. We need to trust that our partners will be there for us when we need them in order to feel whole and function at our best.